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[ For all the times she's complained at Kieran for waltzing into her room, no invitation, warning, or knock, Mila just looks at the door with a cautious eagerness when it swings open and a familiar face storms inside, making this his new space. Off the bed, Mila walks over to caress his face and rest her hand on his shoulder, searching his features, the cat-like tension that might react explosively to any kind of friction. She doesn't care if it gets her figuratively scratched or bitten or kicked off; she's just so thankful that she doesn't have to dread never touching him again right now. That he still comes to her when she's needed.
Mila wraps both arms around her little brother. ]
Mila wraps both arms around her little brother. ]
[He wants to hiss and bite, his hand comes up as if to swat her away but he doesn't - it just sort of hovers, staying there like the tension in his shoulders before she's enveloping him in an embrace he needs. He doesn't give it back to her, not at first, he just kind of stands there solid and tight, but slowly but surely his forehead presses against her and he lets out a breath he'd held inside. He needs this.]
[He makes a noise rather than answer, but he'll move to sit - going toward her bed, shoes kicked off before he just crawls up into it like he's done a million times. Seeking somewhere warm and safe to sleep (there's a reason for that too, that he can't remember-) off some sort of hangover, a place to bitch about his issues or just to feel the weight of her bones next to him. He goes half under the covers, sulking, pulling blankets up to his breastbone and staring up at the ceiling.]
I'm not even mad at the trip being cancelled. I mean, I am, but... it was the way it was.
I'm not even mad at the trip being cancelled. I mean, I am, but... it was the way it was.
Like I had no say. He was telling me things are off, telling me why, telling me - telling me, telling me. Offering to give me money like that matters, acting all caring and shit when in reality he was backing out scared.
[Because all he cared about in the end was himself, right?]
He just acted like a doormat, too. So fucking pathetic.
[Because all he cared about in the end was himself, right?]
He just acted like a doormat, too. So fucking pathetic.
[ A quiet nod, Mila looks down before looking at Kieran again, thinking back to his conversation with Harry. She doesn't want to tell him what they talked about, doesn't want to tell him it even happened. Maybe if she'd left with a better impression of that man than basically everything Kieran is describing to her now...
Really, the doctor's only saving grace is that he didn't double down and take Kieran away even sooner. She scoots closer, invites him to do the same, rest on her chest while she tucks her chin on top of his head, fingers in his hair. ]
You're still gonna leave?
Really, the doctor's only saving grace is that he didn't double down and take Kieran away even sooner. She scoots closer, invites him to do the same, rest on her chest while she tucks her chin on top of his head, fingers in his hair. ]
You're still gonna leave?
No. Maybe? I don't know.
[He liked the idea when it was dangled in front of him by someone else - someone who would make the plans, rent the rooms, show him the stupid fucking glow worms and whatever else was out there. If he went alone he wouldn't know what to look for. It doesn't have the same interest, the same intrigue. But he could, maybe, just spitefully go anyway.]
Dad's probably sending me away anyway.
[He liked the idea when it was dangled in front of him by someone else - someone who would make the plans, rent the rooms, show him the stupid fucking glow worms and whatever else was out there. If he went alone he wouldn't know what to look for. It doesn't have the same interest, the same intrigue. But he could, maybe, just spitefully go anyway.]
Dad's probably sending me away anyway.
Hm.
[He doesn't know what he wants. It's the only thing he wants now - to want something, to have some sort of purpose or focus in life. He spins his wheels and wastes his time and that's fine, that's fun, but when is he going to find something (or someone?) that makes a future unfold, that gives him some kind of path to follow instead of just blindly stumbling around?]
It was nice having someone believe in me for a bit. Like, besides you and Lucien.
[He doesn't know what he wants. It's the only thing he wants now - to want something, to have some sort of purpose or focus in life. He spins his wheels and wastes his time and that's fine, that's fun, but when is he going to find something (or someone?) that makes a future unfold, that gives him some kind of path to follow instead of just blindly stumbling around?]
It was nice having someone believe in me for a bit. Like, besides you and Lucien.
[ He didn't believe in you. He doesn't believe in anything.
Immediate, acidic thoughts, still upset from the conversation with this Harry who almost stole her brother away. Who almost knocked her off Kieran's priorities, who almost shifted his loyalty away from his own family.
He's just the scapegoat, though. The underlying issues are still there, making Kieran miserable. The next thought she fights back: aren't we enough? ]
... I was really scared, Kier.
Immediate, acidic thoughts, still upset from the conversation with this Harry who almost stole her brother away. Who almost knocked her off Kieran's priorities, who almost shifted his loyalty away from his own family.
He's just the scapegoat, though. The underlying issues are still there, making Kieran miserable. The next thought she fights back: aren't we enough? ]
... I was really scared, Kier.
Of me taking a trip?
[They're back to their earlier conversation, one he's not fond of - especially now, since a lot of what she said is validated. But he still feels like there's something there he feels trapped by, in some way. Like Harry, Mila listens to him but he feels like half the words he says are bouncing back. Why can't I make my own choices? Why doesn't anyone support him?]
I wish just - I wish someone would treat me like an adult for once. Capable of making my own decisions, not... second guessed or doubted. It's like I'm stuck like this, with nobody ever thinking I'm capable of growing up. It's... it's insulting.
[They're back to their earlier conversation, one he's not fond of - especially now, since a lot of what she said is validated. But he still feels like there's something there he feels trapped by, in some way. Like Harry, Mila listens to him but he feels like half the words he says are bouncing back. Why can't I make my own choices? Why doesn't anyone support him?]
I wish just - I wish someone would treat me like an adult for once. Capable of making my own decisions, not... second guessed or doubted. It's like I'm stuck like this, with nobody ever thinking I'm capable of growing up. It's... it's insulting.
No, it's not that.
[ ... It is. Because he's young, impulsive, and Mila's always known him to jump in and figure out the consequences later. One thing is doing it where he can be helped, another is when she wouldn't even be able to reach him before it was potentially too late. ]
I know you can make your own decisions, I'm just — I'm scared of losing you. I keep thinking if you do this, you'll disappear forever.
[ ... It is. Because he's young, impulsive, and Mila's always known him to jump in and figure out the consequences later. One thing is doing it where he can be helped, another is when she wouldn't even be able to reach him before it was potentially too late. ]
I know you can make your own decisions, I'm just — I'm scared of losing you. I keep thinking if you do this, you'll disappear forever.
But I won't.
[He doesn't stop existing when he leaves the manor, does he? There'll always be the internet, their phones, some method of communication. Even if Dad did cut him off, he'd still stay in touch with her. He still can't wrap his head around why there's an issue there, because he's unable to dial in to the fact it's about feelings, not logic. He sighs.]
You don't think that goes two ways, Mil? You're in love with a guy here, what if he tells you he wants to take you away somewhere? Elope together in the middle of the night, just the two of you. I don't wanna lose you either, but... I trust you would find your way back.
[He doesn't stop existing when he leaves the manor, does he? There'll always be the internet, their phones, some method of communication. Even if Dad did cut him off, he'd still stay in touch with her. He still can't wrap his head around why there's an issue there, because he's unable to dial in to the fact it's about feelings, not logic. He sighs.]
You don't think that goes two ways, Mil? You're in love with a guy here, what if he tells you he wants to take you away somewhere? Elope together in the middle of the night, just the two of you. I don't wanna lose you either, but... I trust you would find your way back.
You'd come back for me?
[ She doesn't think he would. She just imagines him gladly exploring the world, finding his own place to stay and never leave, while she'd be here confronted with how she's really just living in a bubble. Maybe this protective-possessiveness is coming out so strongly because she can't quite believe that he can ever return that kind of love. Which is normal, right? Older siblings are always going to have a little more in their hearts for the younger ones. That's how it's supposed to work. ]
... Sorry.
[ She doesn't think he would. She just imagines him gladly exploring the world, finding his own place to stay and never leave, while she'd be here confronted with how she's really just living in a bubble. Maybe this protective-possessiveness is coming out so strongly because she can't quite believe that he can ever return that kind of love. Which is normal, right? Older siblings are always going to have a little more in their hearts for the younger ones. That's how it's supposed to work. ]
... Sorry.
Is that so shocking?
[He's not meaning to be snappy, but it happens. He rolls his eyes and looks the other way for a bit before turning his head back to her. Again, his brain just goes nobody trusts me - nobody values his word. But then he reaches out under the blanket, wiggling his fingers until he's touching her.]
You're my sister. I love you.
[He's not meaning to be snappy, but it happens. He rolls his eyes and looks the other way for a bit before turning his head back to her. Again, his brain just goes nobody trusts me - nobody values his word. But then he reaches out under the blanket, wiggling his fingers until he's touching her.]
You're my sister. I love you.
[ She kisses the top his head again, welcoming the touch. It's just the way Kieran is - the way everyone is. Mila loves, falls in love, keeps dreaming that that's enough to make her their priority, keeps being rudely awoken from that egotistical dream when it turns out people are their own human beings with better things to do than gravitate to her.
But then her brother comes to her room, seeks her touch and tells her she's loved. ]
I love you, scrungly. I'll help you get out. You deserve to be happy.
[ A kiss to his cheek next. ]
But then her brother comes to her room, seeks her touch and tells her she's loved. ]
I love you, scrungly. I'll help you get out. You deserve to be happy.
[ A kiss to his cheek next. ]
I don't even know where to go anymore.
[He's railroaded into life the way it is - bouncing off the walls wherever his family goes, tiptoeing past his father's tantrums and finding solace in the company of his siblings. What do you do when it feels like no matter what you do, you're stuck? Never moving forward, never changing, never seeming to mature? How sad is it to envy those older and wiser than you.]
... I said some mean shit to Harry. I gotta avoid him now, 'til he fucks off.
[He's railroaded into life the way it is - bouncing off the walls wherever his family goes, tiptoeing past his father's tantrums and finding solace in the company of his siblings. What do you do when it feels like no matter what you do, you're stuck? Never moving forward, never changing, never seeming to mature? How sad is it to envy those older and wiser than you.]
... I said some mean shit to Harry. I gotta avoid him now, 'til he fucks off.
You'll think of something. Remember you got me that laptop? Dad and Lucien still don't know I have it, so you can use it whenever. Look up places and stuff.
[ No need to worry one of them might be snooping around. As loyal as Lucien is to her and Kieran, he also has to think about his own father. She doesn't want to put that on the line by making him help them do something that's definitely gonna piss Henry off. ]
What'd you say?
[ No need to worry one of them might be snooping around. As loyal as Lucien is to her and Kieran, he also has to think about his own father. She doesn't want to put that on the line by making him help them do something that's definitely gonna piss Henry off. ]
What'd you say?
And Dad sending me away on the first? I don't really wanna grovel to undo that.
[But he is quiet for a beat - there were a lot of things he said in misplaced anger to Harry. He doesn't quite acknowledge that as the reason yet, of course, but in reflection he can tell he was harsh. He was angry. He wanted to hurt him the way he felt hurt, too. But that was exceptionally cruel, because Kieran has no good gauge of what pain is like, or how deep others feel it.]
I called him a liar and a coward. And... pathetic.
[Grimacing, just a little.]
He was just - letting me be mad. And that just made me more mad, like - at least fight back? Speak up?
[But he is quiet for a beat - there were a lot of things he said in misplaced anger to Harry. He doesn't quite acknowledge that as the reason yet, of course, but in reflection he can tell he was harsh. He was angry. He wanted to hurt him the way he felt hurt, too. But that was exceptionally cruel, because Kieran has no good gauge of what pain is like, or how deep others feel it.]
I called him a liar and a coward. And... pathetic.
[Grimacing, just a little.]
He was just - letting me be mad. And that just made me more mad, like - at least fight back? Speak up?
So don't. I can talk to dad, or ... I don't know, I'll see what I can do about the place he wants to send you to.
[ Run a little interference. ]
Well, maybe he knows that's what he is.
[ ... Even she doesn't really believe that. As much as she'd like to, on the pettiest principle. ]
... How did you meet him?
[ Run a little interference. ]
Well, maybe he knows that's what he is.
[ ... Even she doesn't really believe that. As much as she'd like to, on the pettiest principle. ]
... How did you meet him?
That's the problem though - if you're gonna act pathetic, you're gonna stay...
[Heated, he huffs out a breath - is he more mad that Harry just rolls over and lets himself stay that way than he is the fact Harry let him down? Probably. He did end up liking the guy, more than he anticipated - more than he should've. They did a strange little dance and everything's just gotten more and more screwed up here. She asks him how they met and Kieran's brows furrow - it's like he can't really remember, but that's. Not true.]
It was just hook up shit. I don't know how I ended up excited about stupid glow worms and tide pools.
[Heated, he huffs out a breath - is he more mad that Harry just rolls over and lets himself stay that way than he is the fact Harry let him down? Probably. He did end up liking the guy, more than he anticipated - more than he should've. They did a strange little dance and everything's just gotten more and more screwed up here. She asks him how they met and Kieran's brows furrow - it's like he can't really remember, but that's. Not true.]
It was just hook up shit. I don't know how I ended up excited about stupid glow worms and tide pools.
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