[He doesn't know what he wants. It's the only thing he wants now - to want something, to have some sort of purpose or focus in life. He spins his wheels and wastes his time and that's fine, that's fun, but when is he going to find something (or someone?) that makes a future unfold, that gives him some kind of path to follow instead of just blindly stumbling around?]
It was nice having someone believe in me for a bit. Like, besides you and Lucien.
[ He didn't believe in you. He doesn't believe in anything.
Immediate, acidic thoughts, still upset from the conversation with this Harry who almost stole her brother away. Who almost knocked her off Kieran's priorities, who almost shifted his loyalty away from his own family.
He's just the scapegoat, though. The underlying issues are still there, making Kieran miserable. The next thought she fights back: aren't we enough? ]
[They're back to their earlier conversation, one he's not fond of - especially now, since a lot of what she said is validated. But he still feels like there's something there he feels trapped by, in some way. Like Harry, Mila listens to him but he feels like half the words he says are bouncing back. Why can't I make my own choices? Why doesn't anyone support him?]
I wish just - I wish someone would treat me like an adult for once. Capable of making my own decisions, not... second guessed or doubted. It's like I'm stuck like this, with nobody ever thinking I'm capable of growing up. It's... it's insulting.
[ ... It is. Because he's young, impulsive, and Mila's always known him to jump in and figure out the consequences later. One thing is doing it where he can be helped, another is when she wouldn't even be able to reach him before it was potentially too late. ]
I know you can make your own decisions, I'm just — I'm scared of losing you. I keep thinking if you do this, you'll disappear forever.
[He doesn't stop existing when he leaves the manor, does he? There'll always be the internet, their phones, some method of communication. Even if Dad did cut him off, he'd still stay in touch with her. He still can't wrap his head around why there's an issue there, because he's unable to dial in to the fact it's about feelings, not logic. He sighs.]
You don't think that goes two ways, Mil? You're in love with a guy here, what if he tells you he wants to take you away somewhere? Elope together in the middle of the night, just the two of you. I don't wanna lose you either, but... I trust you would find your way back.
[ She doesn't think he would. She just imagines him gladly exploring the world, finding his own place to stay and never leave, while she'd be here confronted with how she's really just living in a bubble. Maybe this protective-possessiveness is coming out so strongly because she can't quite believe that he can ever return that kind of love. Which is normal, right? Older siblings are always going to have a little more in their hearts for the younger ones. That's how it's supposed to work. ]
[He's not meaning to be snappy, but it happens. He rolls his eyes and looks the other way for a bit before turning his head back to her. Again, his brain just goes nobody trusts me - nobody values his word. But then he reaches out under the blanket, wiggling his fingers until he's touching her.]
[ She kisses the top his head again, welcoming the touch. It's just the way Kieran is - the way everyone is. Mila loves, falls in love, keeps dreaming that that's enough to make her their priority, keeps being rudely awoken from that egotistical dream when it turns out people are their own human beings with better things to do than gravitate to her.
But then her brother comes to her room, seeks her touch and tells her she's loved. ]
I love you, scrungly. I'll help you get out. You deserve to be happy.
[He's railroaded into life the way it is - bouncing off the walls wherever his family goes, tiptoeing past his father's tantrums and finding solace in the company of his siblings. What do you do when it feels like no matter what you do, you're stuck? Never moving forward, never changing, never seeming to mature? How sad is it to envy those older and wiser than you.]
... I said some mean shit to Harry. I gotta avoid him now, 'til he fucks off.
You'll think of something. Remember you got me that laptop? Dad and Lucien still don't know I have it, so you can use it whenever. Look up places and stuff.
[ No need to worry one of them might be snooping around. As loyal as Lucien is to her and Kieran, he also has to think about his own father. She doesn't want to put that on the line by making him help them do something that's definitely gonna piss Henry off. ]
And Dad sending me away on the first? I don't really wanna grovel to undo that.
[But he is quiet for a beat - there were a lot of things he said in misplaced anger to Harry. He doesn't quite acknowledge that as the reason yet, of course, but in reflection he can tell he was harsh. He was angry. He wanted to hurt him the way he felt hurt, too. But that was exceptionally cruel, because Kieran has no good gauge of what pain is like, or how deep others feel it.]
I called him a liar and a coward. And... pathetic.
[Grimacing, just a little.]
He was just - letting me be mad. And that just made me more mad, like - at least fight back? Speak up?
That's the problem though - if you're gonna act pathetic, you're gonna stay...
[Heated, he huffs out a breath - is he more mad that Harry just rolls over and lets himself stay that way than he is the fact Harry let him down? Probably. He did end up liking the guy, more than he anticipated - more than he should've. They did a strange little dance and everything's just gotten more and more screwed up here. She asks him how they met and Kieran's brows furrow - it's like he can't really remember, but that's. Not true.]
It was just hook up shit. I don't know how I ended up excited about stupid glow worms and tide pools.
[ Mila nods, looking down, unseeing. She thinks about herself and Teddie, how it should've started and probably stayed that way. But then they found out they both had the word love in mind. That they felt like they were always meant to meet. Maybe if Kieran had a story like that - ]
I mean, that's normal. Traveling, seeing new things, doing whatever you feel like... I can see why you'd get swept up in that.
He was just looking for someone to fill in the void his exes left.
[That's the line that he keeps repeating now, because it's too late to go back and patch anything else together. Harry was a self-proclaimed lonely man. Kieran always saw that as someone else's loss but now in his still burning anger, he sees that as Harry's own doing. His inaction, his subservience... ]
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[He doesn't know what he wants. It's the only thing he wants now - to want something, to have some sort of purpose or focus in life. He spins his wheels and wastes his time and that's fine, that's fun, but when is he going to find something (or someone?) that makes a future unfold, that gives him some kind of path to follow instead of just blindly stumbling around?]
It was nice having someone believe in me for a bit. Like, besides you and Lucien.
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Immediate, acidic thoughts, still upset from the conversation with this Harry who almost stole her brother away. Who almost knocked her off Kieran's priorities, who almost shifted his loyalty away from his own family.
He's just the scapegoat, though. The underlying issues are still there, making Kieran miserable. The next thought she fights back: aren't we enough? ]
... I was really scared, Kier.
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[They're back to their earlier conversation, one he's not fond of - especially now, since a lot of what she said is validated. But he still feels like there's something there he feels trapped by, in some way. Like Harry, Mila listens to him but he feels like half the words he says are bouncing back. Why can't I make my own choices? Why doesn't anyone support him?]
I wish just - I wish someone would treat me like an adult for once. Capable of making my own decisions, not... second guessed or doubted. It's like I'm stuck like this, with nobody ever thinking I'm capable of growing up. It's... it's insulting.
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[ ... It is. Because he's young, impulsive, and Mila's always known him to jump in and figure out the consequences later. One thing is doing it where he can be helped, another is when she wouldn't even be able to reach him before it was potentially too late. ]
I know you can make your own decisions, I'm just — I'm scared of losing you. I keep thinking if you do this, you'll disappear forever.
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[He doesn't stop existing when he leaves the manor, does he? There'll always be the internet, their phones, some method of communication. Even if Dad did cut him off, he'd still stay in touch with her. He still can't wrap his head around why there's an issue there, because he's unable to dial in to the fact it's about feelings, not logic. He sighs.]
You don't think that goes two ways, Mil? You're in love with a guy here, what if he tells you he wants to take you away somewhere? Elope together in the middle of the night, just the two of you. I don't wanna lose you either, but... I trust you would find your way back.
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[ She doesn't think he would. She just imagines him gladly exploring the world, finding his own place to stay and never leave, while she'd be here confronted with how she's really just living in a bubble. Maybe this protective-possessiveness is coming out so strongly because she can't quite believe that he can ever return that kind of love. Which is normal, right? Older siblings are always going to have a little more in their hearts for the younger ones. That's how it's supposed to work. ]
... Sorry.
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[He's not meaning to be snappy, but it happens. He rolls his eyes and looks the other way for a bit before turning his head back to her. Again, his brain just goes nobody trusts me - nobody values his word. But then he reaches out under the blanket, wiggling his fingers until he's touching her.]
You're my sister. I love you.
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But then her brother comes to her room, seeks her touch and tells her she's loved. ]
I love you, scrungly. I'll help you get out. You deserve to be happy.
[ A kiss to his cheek next. ]
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[He's railroaded into life the way it is - bouncing off the walls wherever his family goes, tiptoeing past his father's tantrums and finding solace in the company of his siblings. What do you do when it feels like no matter what you do, you're stuck? Never moving forward, never changing, never seeming to mature? How sad is it to envy those older and wiser than you.]
... I said some mean shit to Harry. I gotta avoid him now, 'til he fucks off.
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[ No need to worry one of them might be snooping around. As loyal as Lucien is to her and Kieran, he also has to think about his own father. She doesn't want to put that on the line by making him help them do something that's definitely gonna piss Henry off. ]
What'd you say?
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[But he is quiet for a beat - there were a lot of things he said in misplaced anger to Harry. He doesn't quite acknowledge that as the reason yet, of course, but in reflection he can tell he was harsh. He was angry. He wanted to hurt him the way he felt hurt, too. But that was exceptionally cruel, because Kieran has no good gauge of what pain is like, or how deep others feel it.]
I called him a liar and a coward. And... pathetic.
[Grimacing, just a little.]
He was just - letting me be mad. And that just made me more mad, like - at least fight back? Speak up?
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[ Run a little interference. ]
Well, maybe he knows that's what he is.
[ ... Even she doesn't really believe that. As much as she'd like to, on the pettiest principle. ]
... How did you meet him?
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[Heated, he huffs out a breath - is he more mad that Harry just rolls over and lets himself stay that way than he is the fact Harry let him down? Probably. He did end up liking the guy, more than he anticipated - more than he should've. They did a strange little dance and everything's just gotten more and more screwed up here. She asks him how they met and Kieran's brows furrow - it's like he can't really remember, but that's. Not true.]
It was just hook up shit. I don't know how I ended up excited about stupid glow worms and tide pools.
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I mean, that's normal. Traveling, seeing new things, doing whatever you feel like... I can see why you'd get swept up in that.
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[That's the line that he keeps repeating now, because it's too late to go back and patch anything else together. Harry was a self-proclaimed lonely man. Kieran always saw that as someone else's loss but now in his still burning anger, he sees that as Harry's own doing. His inaction, his subservience... ]
Whatever.
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What were you looking for?
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I don't know. Sad, isn't it.