[ yeah, that's going to do it. nick looks a little like he's just been punched in the gut and a lot like he's trying to pretend he wasn't. it's just a little too raw to look at memories like that right now, not after--everything. last night. ]
Fourteen, I think. I don't know, I--kissed him all the time, you know, on the cheek, on the face. I don't really remember the first time it was anything more.
[ he does, of course. nick very clearly remembers the freezing cold night and how he'd laughed as he made excuses to bundle up next to august, and he remembers the calculated way he wrapped an arm around his neck, and the way august had touched his cheek just before he kissed him. but nick already sounds hoarse just saying that much, and he's pretty sure that he's not going to be able to keep choking this back much longer if he doesn't shut the fuck up soon. ]
[ But he doesn't. Sound very fond of that memory? And he's talking about them being best friends now, which obviously means they broke up. That deserves a different tone of aw, but at least they kept their friendship. (Wow Cellar ur so smart with all these assumptions haha) ]
[ nick can't help it, he actually laughs, and the sound is so bleak and pitiful that it's barely a transition at all when he hiccups into half a sob right at the end. just a little bit, choked down as quickly as it rises, but unmistakably there. ]
Yeah, no, that's- that's not happening. Don't— it's actually fine, you know?
[ this would probably be much more believable if nick didn't have his hand jammed over his mouth, words half muffled through his fingers. he's just--been trying really hard not to be so fucking sad about this, but it's getting harder and harder as each hour passes. he isn't crying, which feels like some small achievement at least, but there's no denying that he's right on the precipice. ]
We just...I don't know, I got the wrong idea, I guess. I knew, really, so I don't know why I said anything.
[ Yeah, she's taking that bottle and putting it on the bedside table now. Get out of here. Cellar crouches and sits on her legs next, taking one hand, then the other. He doesn't have to make eye contact, but she doesn't want him to think he has to hide. Voice softening, ]
[ nick doesn't want a sympathetic ear and a kind touch, not for a situation so entirely idiotic and of his own making — but he does, really, is the thing. nick has been choking this back on his own all day now, and as awful as he feels, there is some relief in finally just saying it. he just feels so stupid, so pathetic, so monumentally small, that he can't help but latch onto cellar's hands like a life line. ]
No, I just--I don't know. Things have felt different here, and I guess I got it into my head that it was mutual or something insane like that. But- he didn't want to know, and that's seriously...it's okay, you know? We're still friends.
It doesn't have anything to with him. Like, he's right, though.
[ he's very kind about the way he phrases it, even if thinking the words back over feel a lot like punching himself in the gut all over again, because he really doesn't want to sound like august was harsh, or mean. it's not his fault nick is almost crying over a hopeless dream that he got too carried away with. ]
I'll get over it, you know? We'll go back to normal, I just--need to get it out of my system.
[ it still sounds so severe to hear it as plainly as that, but he does a better job of not visibly wincing this time. ]
It's not his fault that I'm like, on fucking love with him or whatever. He didn't lead me on, he wouldn't do that. I just- I don't know. Didn't realise it had happened until it was too late.
You said you're in love with him and his answer was that it's none of his business?
[ It sounds like a very August thing to say, if that's the case — and if he was still in the other room, Cellar would be marching over there to smack him upside the head. She might be buzzed enough to go out there and do it anyway. ]
I said I was going to tell him, but I didn't think he'd want to hear it, because he always reacts badly when people are into him, and he told me to tell Marco instead.
[ which was hilariously ironic, given that nick had already spilled his guts about that little fact, but he'll have to wait a week or two to actually find it funny. it's all far too fresh to be a joke right now, a wound cracked open that nick is just--picking open again, talking about it now. ]
Oh. [ The question mark is still blinking right above her head. ] That's... a mess.
[ And she thought her polycule dramas were convoluted. ]
Okay, I'm really trying to get this here — [ Releasing one hand to gesture, ] You were going to tell August, but August told you to go tell Marco… but like — how does that work?
[ Is it the vodka? She feels like she's missing a lot of parts here. New plan: ]
Play-by-play. You tell me how it happened. That conversation where you were going to tell him and got sent to Marco-mail.
[ if the story isn't adding up at all, that's clearly not the case for nick, still steadfast in his understanding of the conversation that occurred last night. the imminent threat of more tears has passed, but it's left nick looking exhausted in its wake. ]
[ … well, she hates that answer. First Iggy, then Theo, now Nick; feels like everyone she likes is convinced of something so incredibly wrong about themselves — that they aren't lovable, for some fucking reason or another — and she's just becoming more and more useless in the face of that lie. It's like she's having the same conversation with herself time and again and she can't fix it no matter what she says. ]
[ That explains where he went. And it makes her frown, gears turning. She needs the vodka now, because she has to decide whether to tell Nick that he left her and Theo to go hang out with him and that it has to mean something or spare them both from possibly the worst conversation ever.
Yeah, there's no fucking way he's gonna hear the guy that broke his heart had a threesome in the adjoining room. She'd rather be a bad friend for lying than a total monster, thanks. Another swig goes down. ]
[ so that's that. nick shrugs to that effect, suddenly very interested in picking at a loose thread on his sweater sleeve. his own, not august's, nick couldn't possibly fathom being that tragic again. ]
I think I just like--built this whole thing up in my head, you know? Like I just felt...so fucking special when he looked at me. It's just embarrassing, I've been so obvious, I don't know why he didn't tell me to cut it out weeks ago.
[ The conversation hits a pause, but her thoughts are still going. And going. There's alcohol sticking to the back of her throat when she starts, cleared a couple of words in, ]
So you've known each other forever, you made out, you have sleepovers in the morning, and he gets upset when people are into him, and you've been obvious about being into him, but he hasn't told you to back off, and also you haven't actually said it to his face.
[ Blessed be thy holy alcohol, because it's speaking now: ]
Please don't take this the wrong way, but this is lesbian behavior. You need to tell him.
[ the thing is, that was about all the bravery that nick had in him, and the attempt had just left him in tatters. he swallows, tries to muster up a version of agreeable, believable enough that cellar might take his word for it that yes, of course nick will try again.
what she gets is a shrug and a weak watery smile, a digging of his thumbnail into the side of his own finger, a sudden fascination in the little indent left behind. ]
Maybe. Or maybe the whole friends with benefits suits us fine, and if I bring it up again I'm going to fuck the whole thing
[ it's a fair question honestly, this whole conversation has been a disaster and nick knows he looks a mess, but what's he supposed to say? even by this mess of a standard, nick knows the real answer is too pathetic. he'll take whatever he can get and he knows it. ]
Tomorrow, maybe next week? I'll figure it out by then.
[ Liar. No, don't say that, Cellar. Put the filter back on. ]
Okay.
[ Nailed it. She shifts again, sitting next to Nick in their initial position, until she scoots and nudges him to lie down and rest his head on her shoulder, chest, whatever. The bottle is tucked against her waist with one hand, the other slowly playing with his hair. ]
You wanna skip dinner tonight? I can tell Teddie to bring us something. Or I can tell him to go away.
[ imagine Theo walking in thinking they're gonna bone another twink ]
[ there's no resistance in him, nick is way past that. he's all wrung out and it's so much easier to just go where cellar guides him, head on her shoulder and ear pressed flush against her chest, as if listening to the thud of her heart might settle something in him. ]
I think— [ he's halting, stumbles squarely at the first step. nick is bad at asking for what he wants at the best of times, let alone when he doesn't even know, not really. short of going back to yesterday and remembering to take that stupid question mark out of his answer, there's not a whole lot that will make things better, but there's probably something that might make it worse. ] I think...I don't really want to have to explain to anyone else what's wrong right now. Is that okay?
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Fourteen, I think. I don't know, I--kissed him all the time, you know, on the cheek, on the face. I don't really remember the first time it was anything more.
[ he does, of course. nick very clearly remembers the freezing cold night and how he'd laughed as he made excuses to bundle up next to august, and he remembers the calculated way he wrapped an arm around his neck, and the way august had touched his cheek just before he kissed him. but nick already sounds hoarse just saying that much, and he's pretty sure that he's not going to be able to keep choking this back much longer if he doesn't shut the fuck up soon. ]
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Aww—!
[ Oops, she made the sound. RIP. ]
You were high school sweethearts!
[ But he doesn't. Sound very fond of that memory? And he's talking about them being best friends now, which obviously means they broke up. That deserves a different tone of aw, but at least they kept their friendship. (Wow Cellar ur so smart with all these assumptions haha) ]
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Yeah, no, that's- that's not happening. Don't— it's actually fine, you know?
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Wait, what do you mean?
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[ this would probably be much more believable if nick didn't have his hand jammed over his mouth, words half muffled through his fingers. he's just--been trying really hard not to be so fucking sad about this, but it's getting harder and harder as each hour passes. he isn't crying, which feels like some small achievement at least, but there's no denying that he's right on the precipice. ]
We just...I don't know, I got the wrong idea, I guess. I knew, really, so I don't know why I said anything.
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[ Yeah, she's taking that bottle and putting it on the bedside table now. Get out of here. Cellar crouches and sits on her legs next, taking one hand, then the other. He doesn't have to make eye contact, but she doesn't want him to think he has to hide. Voice softening, ]
Hey, what happened?
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[ nick doesn't want a sympathetic ear and a kind touch, not for a situation so entirely idiotic and of his own making — but he does, really, is the thing. nick has been choking this back on his own all day now, and as awful as he feels, there is some relief in finally just saying it. he just feels so stupid, so pathetic, so monumentally small, that he can't help but latch onto cellar's hands like a life line. ]
No, I just--I don't know. Things have felt different here, and I guess I got it into my head that it was mutual or something insane like that. But- he didn't want to know, and that's seriously...it's okay, you know? We're still friends.
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[ Whatever it is — whatever the details are, it's wounded Nick pretty bad. And if it hurts, it hurts, and that's what matters. ]
What did he say to you?
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[ he's very kind about the way he phrases it, even if thinking the words back over feel a lot like punching himself in the gut all over again, because he really doesn't want to sound like august was harsh, or mean. it's not his fault nick is almost crying over a hopeless dream that he got too carried away with. ]
I'll get over it, you know? We'll go back to normal, I just--need to get it out of my system.
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[ Except, you know, clearly not okay. ]
What is he right about.
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[ it still sounds so severe to hear it as plainly as that, but he does a better job of not visibly wincing this time. ]
It's not his fault that I'm like, on fucking love with him or whatever. He didn't lead me on, he wouldn't do that. I just- I don't know. Didn't realise it had happened until it was too late.
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[ Pause, rewind, try again. ]
You said you're in love with him and his answer was that it's none of his business?
[ It sounds like a very August thing to say, if that's the case — and if he was still in the other room, Cellar would be marching over there to smack him upside the head. She might be buzzed enough to go out there and do it anyway. ]
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[ which was hilariously ironic, given that nick had already spilled his guts about that little fact, but he'll have to wait a week or two to actually find it funny. it's all far too fresh to be a joke right now, a wound cracked open that nick is just--picking open again, talking about it now. ]
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[ And she thought her polycule dramas were convoluted. ]
Okay, I'm really trying to get this here — [ Releasing one hand to gesture, ] You were going to tell August, but August told you to go tell Marco… but like — how does that work?
[ Is it the vodka? She feels like she's missing a lot of parts here. New plan: ]
Play-by-play. You tell me how it happened. That conversation where you were going to tell him and got sent to Marco-mail.
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[ if the story isn't adding up at all, that's clearly not the case for nick, still steadfast in his understanding of the conversation that occurred last night. the imminent threat of more tears has passed, but it's left nick looking exhausted in its wake. ]
Hence, getting really fucking drunk.
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... Sorry.
[ Cellar squeezes his hand. ]
When was the last time you spoke?
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[ and if it felt a little cruel in the moment, well that's only because nick hasn't gotten back to normal yet. ]
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[ That explains where he went. And it makes her frown, gears turning. She needs the vodka now, because she has to decide whether to tell Nick that he left her and Theo to go hang out with him and that it has to mean something or spare them both from possibly the worst conversation ever.
Yeah, there's no fucking way he's gonna hear the guy that broke his heart had a threesome in the adjoining room. She'd rather be a bad friend for lying than a total monster, thanks. Another swig goes down. ]
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[ so that's that. nick shrugs to that effect, suddenly very interested in picking at a loose thread on his sweater sleeve. his own, not august's, nick couldn't possibly fathom being that tragic again. ]
I think I just like--built this whole thing up in my head, you know? Like I just felt...so fucking special when he looked at me. It's just embarrassing, I've been so obvious, I don't know why he didn't tell me to cut it out weeks ago.
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So you've known each other forever, you made out, you have sleepovers in the morning, and he gets upset when people are into him, and you've been obvious about being into him, but he hasn't told you to back off, and also you haven't actually said it to his face.
[ Blessed be thy holy alcohol, because it's speaking now: ]
Please don't take this the wrong way, but this is lesbian behavior. You need to tell him.
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what she gets is a shrug and a weak watery smile, a digging of his thumbnail into the side of his own finger, a sudden fascination in the little indent left behind. ]
Maybe. Or maybe the whole friends with benefits suits us fine, and if I bring it up again I'm going to fuck the whole thing
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Does it suit you just fine? Because you don't seem fine.
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[ it's a fair question honestly, this whole conversation has been a disaster and nick knows he looks a mess, but what's he supposed to say? even by this mess of a standard, nick knows the real answer is too pathetic. he'll take whatever he can get and he knows it. ]
Tomorrow, maybe next week? I'll figure it out by then.
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Okay.
[ Nailed it. She shifts again, sitting next to Nick in their initial position, until she scoots and nudges him to lie down and rest his head on her shoulder, chest, whatever. The bottle is tucked against her waist with one hand, the other slowly playing with his hair. ]
You wanna skip dinner tonight? I can tell Teddie to bring us something. Or I can tell him to go away.
[ imagine Theo walking in thinking they're gonna bone another twink ]
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I think— [ he's halting, stumbles squarely at the first step. nick is bad at asking for what he wants at the best of times, let alone when he doesn't even know, not really. short of going back to yesterday and remembering to take that stupid question mark out of his answer, there's not a whole lot that will make things better, but there's probably something that might make it worse. ] I think...I don't really want to have to explain to anyone else what's wrong right now. Is that okay?
🎀