[This feels like the conversation he had with Harry and it's funny how he's had it with two separate people and how much of it is the same. And yet there are parts unique to both of them, ways he opens up - he doesn't want to disappoint Harry, he enjoys his praise and adoration, he wants to be respected by him and improve himself. But with Cellar, the first thing he thinks is:]
What if people won't like who I am on the inside?
[- he shares his insecurities; his defeatism. He wonders what her response will be and much like with Harry, though, he doesn't fear judgment. And he's eager for her opinion. Her view.]
Then they suck and they don't deserve your time anyway. You find people who do like who you are and keep them close.
[ An arm rests on his waist, kind of a hug. ]
I know what it's like, okay? Opening up to someone and then they just - don't wanna be with you or they already decided they hated you a long time ago. It fucking sucks, but that's how you learn who's really worth it. Who wants to be around you, rather than the version of you that's just trying to please them. Besides, it's gotta be exhausting, right?
I don't even know who I'm supposed to be on the inside.
[He thinks he's pretty genuine, all things considered. A lot of his core being is what it is - but the idiocy, the recklessness, those are all the barriers at rise up to protect the few parts that don't get seen often. The part that prays to a God it doesn't believe in. The part that cries over two people he barely remembers. The part that still hurts from being rejected over and over again from blood relatives, only for one to take him in and make him happy... only to die.]
When my parents died, nobody wanted to take me in. I was like this political bomb, a sob story that nobody wanted to wring out. My aunt took me in, great aunt actually- but only after nobody else stepped up. She was like, a hundred, too.
[Not quite.]
When she died is when I signed the pact. 'Cause there wasn't anyone or anything left for me, so why not? But now- now it's all weird and complicated. I don't know how to be anything different from who I was an' do you think...
[...]
Do you think I'm stuck? The way I was when I signed. For like, forever.
[ She listens, she nods. She feels sympathetic for his parents' fate and disappointed that a whole family wanted nothing to do with an orphan. They essentially taught a child that 'alone' was the default way to be. That he had to earn having people in his life. ]
I think... you'd be stuck if you didn't realize that you were stuck. [ If that makes sense. ] We've all got the chance to grow and change. For the worse, for the better... I think that's up to you, for the most part. Personally I'd like it if you were happy, though.
[With Ren, with Harry - these different relationships that keep piling up. He wouldn't have had these before, maybe not ever in the way they happened here. He thinks about how even going with Dom on a date kind of hit different, and how what used to be sort of scary is actually not that bad. He's quiet for a long beat.]
[Maybe he'll have to just double his contract or whatever. Does it really matter in the end - it's not like he has plans beyond this lifetime or another. Finally, as a sign he's improving in mood, his head shifts to properly rest against her breast.]
... You know that hallway of paintings? There's two - there's one of my mom and my dad in there. Kinda fucked, right?
... I don't know. I only have so many photos of them, y'know? Or had, I guess.
[Hm.]
So seeing something new felt different. But... I didn't like it. I don't like it. It feels like whoever made them invaded something they're not allowed into to do it.
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no subject
Maybe it's not a matter of pushing people away. Maybe what you wanna figure out is how to let them in.
no subject
What if people won't like who I am on the inside?
[- he shares his insecurities; his defeatism. He wonders what her response will be and much like with Harry, though, he doesn't fear judgment. And he's eager for her opinion. Her view.]
no subject
[ An arm rests on his waist, kind of a hug. ]
I know what it's like, okay? Opening up to someone and then they just - don't wanna be with you or they already decided they hated you a long time ago. It fucking sucks, but that's how you learn who's really worth it. Who wants to be around you, rather than the version of you that's just trying to please them. Besides, it's gotta be exhausting, right?
no subject
[He thinks he's pretty genuine, all things considered. A lot of his core being is what it is - but the idiocy, the recklessness, those are all the barriers at rise up to protect the few parts that don't get seen often. The part that prays to a God it doesn't believe in. The part that cries over two people he barely remembers. The part that still hurts from being rejected over and over again from blood relatives, only for one to take him in and make him happy... only to die.]
When my parents died, nobody wanted to take me in. I was like this political bomb, a sob story that nobody wanted to wring out. My aunt took me in, great aunt actually- but only after nobody else stepped up. She was like, a hundred, too.
[Not quite.]
When she died is when I signed the pact. 'Cause there wasn't anyone or anything left for me, so why not? But now- now it's all weird and complicated. I don't know how to be anything different from who I was an' do you think...
[...]
Do you think I'm stuck? The way I was when I signed. For like, forever.
no subject
I think... you'd be stuck if you didn't realize that you were stuck. [ If that makes sense. ] We've all got the chance to grow and change. For the worse, for the better... I think that's up to you, for the most part. Personally I'd like it if you were happy, though.
no subject
[With Ren, with Harry - these different relationships that keep piling up. He wouldn't have had these before, maybe not ever in the way they happened here. He thinks about how even going with Dom on a date kind of hit different, and how what used to be sort of scary is actually not that bad. He's quiet for a long beat.]
You don't remember your wish, do you?
no subject
No. Do you?
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[The impossible made possible again, after all-]
Do you think we can change our wishes when the time comes? What if... what if we want something else instead or we changed our minds?
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[ Guess who already asked Great Dane about it. ]
What would you guess?
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... t'see my parents again. Maybe live with them in a... a world they lived in.
no subject
[ Hopes that was his wish. ]
no subject
[He does, he'll always want it. But.]
It'd mean giving up what I have... here.
no subject
[ Always have faith in Mom. It's the only hope they have, most of the time, because at least that's an entity they can actually talk to. ]
Or maybe you get to have both.
no subject
[Maybe he'll have to just double his contract or whatever. Does it really matter in the end - it's not like he has plans beyond this lifetime or another. Finally, as a sign he's improving in mood, his head shifts to properly rest against her breast.]
... You know that hallway of paintings? There's two - there's one of my mom and my dad in there. Kinda fucked, right?
no subject
Yeah, it is. Sorry they made you see that. [ … ] How did it make you feel? Was it… nice? Seeing them again?
no subject
[Hm.]
So seeing something new felt different. But... I didn't like it. I don't like it. It feels like whoever made them invaded something they're not allowed into to do it.